Big Buddy

BREAK-UP'S GONE CRAZY! 4 announced so far this week. Oy!

2010-12-15T00:20:00.024-05:00

So, let's get right into it. This week has been sad for us all in the love department. Lots of loss. First we heard about the demise of a couple from Dexter and realized we cared a lot less because we have never actually seen the show and have never heard of the names of these people, Michael C. Hall (I think he's the guy who won that award last year because it just came out that he had the good Hodgkins right before the ceremony but no one knew and everyone was like "why's that dude wearing a hat at the Emmy's or whatveer the hell awards ceremony this is?" and then they heard about the CA and felt bad in retrospect. Whoops.) and his wife Jennifer Carpenter. Not Jennifer Anniston, or Karen Carpenter or Jennifer Garner or whatever - but whatever anyway. Next couple...UGH! This breaks my heart. Seriously. Vanessa Hudgens and Zefron. WTF?!?! I was seriously pulling for them. They met on the set of High School Musical (#1) a million years ago!! (or like 4 or something) but STILL and now I mean... they are like 22 or 23 and it's a reasonable time to break-up. BUT STILL.

Disney may have made them get together, but it stuck for a while and fuck if they aren't the cutest couple ever, right?! Disney knows what they are doing!!!

They are SOOOOOOO CUTE together. I love them. It might be because I seriously sweat these movies. So as a result of that, here's a tribute to them the movies, or whatever it may be. I love their whole involvement that is now nothing. Boooooo.

Seriously, if you love feel good movies, especially good song/dance movies - the HSM trilogy is the BEST! Each one is better than the one before it. Loooove it!

This next couple to break-up this week only shares with Zefron and V. Hudgens their extremely good looks, and that's it. Otherwise, they suck - and are pretentious (it's mostly her I have grief with though). I present the demise of ScarJo and Ryan Reynolds who were dating for like 1.1 seconds, and married for just over 2 years, and basically only came out in public together three times together. VERY private - so private, because they were never ever together apparently, and that's why they are now getting divorced.

Doesn't Scarlet kind of look like an one of the Olson twins here?

Why so fucking shy? Stop being so silly. Get over yourselves! You are famous, married and hot and people are taking your pictures!
Stop pretending like you don't loooooove the attention!

Got to appreciate how hot they are though, it's pretty phenomenal. Ryan Reynolds was voted People Magazine's 2010 Sexiest Man Alive. And ScarJo is GQ's reigning Babe of the Year.

Remember when Ryan Reynolds and Alanis Morissette were engaged for 3+ years not that long ago and called it quits? Now she's like 14 months preggers with some DJ's baby... Awwww, Ryan - would've had more luck with Alanis! She's more fun anyway!

Also, remember when this kind of dress/shirt was fashionable. I had one. It was sooo trendy and cool. What the hell. Not cool looking. Also, wonder what's with his wedding ring, since they never actually did take the plunge? Maybe it's one of those male engagement ring situations? Hmmm...?

The last break-up is the most stunning. It'll blow your mind. I'll leave it at this:
I'll also then qualify this post by stating that one of the above four break-ups is a rumor and is 100% false.

Actual News!

2010-10-14T18:22:00.003-05:00

Isn't it weird that whenever I'm not writing about Britney Spears or Lindsay Lohan I consider it "real people news". Like, this is what I assume is playing on the 24 hour news feed at the airport.

Ok, ignore that, I don't even know what the hell I'm talking about. The point is, T.I. is hilarious and I love it. He heard on the radio that some guy in Atlanta was on the ledge of a building, about to give himself the old heave-ho. T.I. is from Atlanta and was just not having it. He rushed over and asked if he could help. This dude agreed to come down in exchange for a few minutes with T.I. I'm just so proud. He really is trying to better himself, and sending a good message to all. Plus, and this is the best part, his wife's name is Tiny. SHIT. That guy just gets all the breaks, huh? That's just an adorable name, and I could only wish I could literally call someone tiny and mean it. But really, I love that he thought to himself, "I think that my presence is enough to make a man want to live". That's ballsy. How much would it hurt if he got there and the jumper was all like, "Who the fuck is T.I.?". I don't know. I know who T.I. is, but I sort of feel like he wouldn't be enough to get me off a building. Like, I like that Whatever You Like" song, but ehhh, I don't know if he'd be a dealbreaker. But now I'm seriously considering who would and wouldn't be a dealbreaker.

As an aside, sometimes I really want to write about something, but once I upload the picture, I get bored of it. Not that this happened here. Ok. Yes it did.

Oh, I Can Only Imagine What Her Skin Smells Like

2010-09-28T15:47:00.004-05:00

Hey guys, it's me, you're old pal, back at the keyboard. I've been meaning to blog a lot lately, and I know Amy has too, but life's been a bit busy. Plus, you know when so much happens, that you don't know where to start? I have been feeling like that for a while. What usually happens is a story so big comes along that you cannot ignore it. Not this time. There actually is not story here, I just couldn't, in good conscience, let this picture be passed up. It's my right, nay, my duty to make sure it falls upon the eyes of as many people as possible. It serves as a warning. How out of control can someone be? This out of control, my friends. First of all, it seems pretty crazy town that she's still going out dressed like a reincarnation of Marilyn Monroe. I think the whole "Hollywood Glam from Days of Yore" look is so fucking done. SEEN IT. FROM YOU. YEARS AGO.

Here's Christina Aguilera, from back in 2008, doing the same Old Hollywood Glam thing that everyfuckingperson from Paris Hilton to Lindsay Lohan and Scarlet Johansson thinks they're doing for the first time. It's so annoying because they keep doing it. How can they keep thinking it's new? Do they not remember? It drives me up the wall.

Further, why fucking Marilyn Monroe? Why this look at all? You can't just pretend like you're classy by dressing up as someone else (who wasn't all that classy, it turns out). I don't dress up like a chicken and actually believe I'm going to lay an egg. To be fair, which I always am, I wouldn't never admit that when I was in full costume. And you can't make me. But admitting you can lay eggs is different. And if you don't see that, you're on the wrong URL.

And don't get me started on the most obvious point, that she clearly has taken a look that was still a decent way to step out of the house in 2008, and bastardized it so badly that there isn't even an adjective to describe it. The dictionary doesn't get that detailed. Anything I can think of involves too many hyphens, and I don't have that kind of energy. I may learn a language that is known to produce more vivid imagery in writing, come back, and edit this post later. I can't think of any ideas. Does your language have a fancier way of saying Stinky Cheeks than mine? I'm interested in downloading a Rosetta Stone.

How have I never seen this pic before?

2010-08-28T21:20:00.004-05:00

If only he could act like he can puke.
Loving this picture right now.
One more time...

Hahaha!

So Stupid

2010-06-29T10:14:00.003-05:00

If I were Lindsay Lohan trying to prove I was a good, hard-working family girl, I probably wouldn't want cameras following me around. There's a good chance they'll find some unsavory private details. But I'm sure they get final edits on all the shows, so how interesting can this show be? The Lohan's already tried on TV that failed miserably. I'm LiLos biggest fan (or maybe Amy is) and I don't think either one of us managed to watch one episode. I really think that if she wants to prove how wholesome she is she may have made a bad decision acting as a porn star in her upcoming film. I say it again and again. You can't just wake up one day and decide there's a new way you want the world to see you. You actually have to exude this image, and keep it constant from day to day. Lindsay feels like she can just twitter some shit and make it so.

On a completely unrelated note, here's a picture of Lindsay Lohan leaving the Electric Daisy Carnival rave on Saturday night. Idiot.

If Taylor Momsen Is A Girl, Who Is The Werewolf From Twilight?

2010-06-29T09:55:00.005-05:00

Ok, seriously, I've been wondering this for a while. Who the hell is Taylor Momsen? At first I thought she was a chick on Gossip Girl, but now I see she's performing at what looks like a music event. So...who the hell is she? All I know is that she's 16 years old and wearing tip-jar lucite shoes. Is that appropriate? I don't know, these days, I'm just happy she's not pregnant. But I'm pretty sure that if my kid was wearing tip jar shoes I'd slap the shit out of that bitch. My friend Kirsten says it's common knowledge that she's trying to be Courtney Love, which brings up the obvious "WHY THE FUCK WOULD SHE DO THAT".

I really can't believe Courtney Love would be a person someone would emulate. She has nothing to be proud of, the entire world thinks she's a joke, and her daughter has disowned her. Real cool role model, Momsen. You idiot.

This makes sense

2010-06-15T14:53:00.002-05:00

Britney Spears has been dating this dude for quite some time now -- Jason Trawick, or Trainwreck. Something like that. Anyway, I thought it would be worth featuring him on here since you all may not have met this man. He might look slightly homeless, and not in the hipster-y kind of way. Similar to the Britters we all know and love so much.
It's fitting. I'm a big fan of this coupling. They can share "hair products" or whatever.

We're taking an official stance here

2010-05-16T21:23:00.005-05:00

And that stance is that we are anti - Jane Kaczmarek and Bradley Whitford's divorce. Actually, it was about 4 minutes ago that my friend told me about their marriage in the first place, and I googled them and made the horrible discovery that after 18 yrs. of marriage and 3 children together they are getting divorced. How sad is that? ALSO - West Wing and Malcolm in the Middle are both amazing. And I had no idea they were together - well....were. They could have at least given me more than 22 seconds of thinking they were amazing together before learning that they were splittsville. I'm bummed out.

Can no Hollywood couple make it?

I mean for real - how cute are they!!!

Who are some other couples who have been together forever that have split up: Susan Surandon and Tim Robbins split this year after 21 years.... who else? A little help here...

Breaking News!

2010-05-01T13:44:00.004-05:00

Does lady Gaga have Body Integrity Identity Disorder? Who knows. There are rumors that she had her own left lag amputated in relation to her new single "Alejandro". There are also claims that her label paid for the surgery. She has personally made some statement to the effect of, "This is true, I amputated my leg in the name of fashion, this is the kind of crazy trend I want to catch on". I'm too lazy to find the real quote. But this is the kind of shit I want to point out to Christina Aguilera and her lame new song. Even though the amputation story is not true, it proves my point. You can't just try to be edgy. It's lame. Now, someone who's insane enough to come up with this kind of publicity stunt (and be considered crazy enough that people are wondering if it's true) has shock value down to an art. You gotta be whacked in the head to come up with that shit, and I applaud her for dreaming it up. This is some Ozzy eating a bat kind of kooky.

I don't want to blow anyones bubble, but she didn't really get her leg amputated. Do I really have to go through the timing of her appearances with a leg, and the recovery time it would take to walk around in those heels? Or any of the other obvious flaws in this story, including the really blurry picture even I could have photoshopped better? No. That's so not the point. I still applaud her for the concept. Bravo, Gaga, bravo.

Christina Makes Pop Music Boring

2010-04-30T14:59:00.004-05:00

Right before she came out with her "Back to Basics" album Christina Aguilera claimed that she never wanted to be a pop star and wanted to do more jazzy blues or some bullshit. It clearly was bullshit, because here she is, back to pop music, and this time she can't claim its the industry manipulating her naive ass like she did last time. She should have given up at "Boy I think I'm in Love with You" or whatever that song was from 1998.

The pictures for her new song (or album or whatever) Not Myself Tonight has been making internet rounds for a few weeks, but I've been avoiding them because they look lame. I get it. Shock value. Worked for Lady Gaga so Xtina wants a piece of the action. Don't pretend it's anything else. To be honest, I hate comparing the two videos, because I can't believe I spend precious minutes of my life on garbage like that. But hey. Well....No. No excuse. What am I doing?

Well, while I'm here, I may as well let you know the video came out today. Trying to be all sexy and edgy and "I'm a free bitch, baby" on your innocent asses. Here's a link, if you care. [VIDEO LINK]. I wouldn't suggest watching it. It was lame. I think everyone would agree the video is a combination of trying too hard and truly terrible acting. It takes a lot to add shock value, which is clearly what she was going for. That's sort of what we get from Gaga. She doesn't make it look like she's trying to be shocking. She produces this shit that makes us ask, "What's going on in her brain?". This new video does not have that effect. But listen, all would be forgiven if the song was ok. It's not. It's lame as shit. I am not impressed. Here are some lyrics:

"Cause I'm doing things that I normally won't do
The old me's gone I feel brand new
And if you don't like it fuck you

The music's on and I'm dancing
I'm normally in the corner just standing
I'm feeling unusual
I don't care cause this is my night

HOOK:
I'm not myself tonight
Tonight I'm not the same girl same girl"

Boring.

Parachute Pants and Power Suits

2010-04-30T09:57:00.003-05:00

You know when you look back and you think, "How did we think shoulder pads looked cool back then?". I do. We look back at what we thought was fashionable and cringe at how ridiculous we looked. I don't have to explain the concept. The point is, these shoes are headed in that direction. I know Nicole Richie and all those stars you gals look up to wear the stiletto heels with the platforms on the front to make you look super tall and skinny. But do you sort of see how they look like moon boots? And chunky as shit? And ridiculous.

That's because they are. Don't get me wrong, I'll wear them now and think I look smokin' hot. But I know that a time will come sooner than later where I can't believe how stupid I was that I thought that looked anything but goofy. And if you don't think those shoes look goofy as shit, I hate to say it, but you're too far gone.

You Heard It Here First

2010-04-25T16:59:00.002-05:00

Lindsay Lohan must have really outdone herself this time! Whatever glimpse of reality she got must have hit home really hard. She took a good, long look in the mirror and didn't like what she saw. So, she quit. She quit it all. The drinking, the parties, the drama. That's it, she's done. And you know what? I'm really proud of her. It's really hard to just make a decision that changes the way you live and stick with it. But she's going to do it. She's serious. She posted it on twitter. Probably so the world can watch her too. Part of quitting is getting people on board to support you, encourage you, and call you out if you slip. And that's what we're here for, world! Let us help Lindsay on her journey to find a more meaningful life! Good luck, girlfriend!

Anyone Have A Fire Extinguisher?

2010-04-22T09:24:00.006-05:00

Because someone needs to put out Madonna's coochie fire. It's obviously getting a little to hot down there, and she's after what looks like her youngest kill yet. Yesterday Madonna was at a photoshoot in Harlem for Dolce & Gabanna she set her eyes on this sweet piece. Actually, I thought it was a suited up Jonas Brother at first. But on a second glance his bone structure is a bit more wide set.
But here's the thing. Madonna is over twice my age, and I that guy looks like he's too young for me. I'm not that good at math (no girl is), but I do know that that's just not solid math. It makes me shudder. I could easily convince someone that this is a boy helping his mother or possibly his grandmother home from grocery shopping.

Could Have Been An Epic Post. But Isn't.

2010-04-20T13:09:00.004-05:00

Have I already written a post about how hot the cast of "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia" cast is? Because they are. Like DJ Lance mentions on their youtube Free Radio Interview [LINK], they should all be out plowing right now. But two out of three are married. Luckily for all you ladies, the hottest one is single. But of course there's some major speculation that he's gay. Just kidding. But not really. But a little. I was going to go through them one by one, but I just got really lazy, and will instead post some pictures with no words. I was all ready to even look up their real names, which you know I never do. But I'm not going to. That was close, which says something.

Dennis. Hottie. Done.
Charlie and Mac. Not as hot but funnier. Done.
Charlie. Least hot but funniest. Everyone knows it. Gets him a lot of street cred.
Hilar. Done. Bye.

Good News!

2010-04-17T16:01:00.003-05:00

Christina Applegate is engaged to her boyfriend, Martyn LeNoble (Porno for Pyros). As you know, I love Christina Applegate. Her movies are all gilded and displayed in my home, including Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead, The Sweetest Thing and of course Anchorman. I even faithfully watch every tv show she tries out, like "Samantha, Who?" and her guest role as Rachel's sister on Friends. She is a breast cancer survivor, and one of the least annoying people in Hollywood. She rocks, and I'm happy for her!

Glam. Pink. Heart. Fornarina.

2010-04-14T16:25:00.002-05:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aqZmCOdn30U

Addendum to Nattie's brilliance - or rather, Lilo's brilliance.
It's really gold. This video will make your day better.

Lilo Curse Strikes Again

2010-04-14T15:22:00.003-05:00

First Mean Girls and now this? Lindsay Lohan's image has caused disaster to yet another brand name. She's an untouchable! Don't give me some "economy" excuse. You know it's Lindsay just as well as I do. Everyone saw this wack ad for Fornarina last year and stayed the hell away. They had to close their Melrose Ave boutique last week. If you blame the economy for even one second, consider this: Lindsay probably wrecked the economy too.

And while we're on the topic, there's something else I need to say. Listen, I love Lindsay. I cannot thank her enough for the hours and hours of joy she's brought to me. She basically reunited Amy and me and was probably the impetus to start this blog in the first place. But, she does this one thing that drives me insane. She always talks about how she wants to be taken seriously, act like a grownup, work on her career and all her years of experience. But then, as soon as anyone attacks her, she literally points out how she's just a child. Her and her mom are all up in twitters business being like, "She's just a child! My god! Don't you have children? Can you imagine how hard it has been for her to make her way in this big, bad world! She's doing the best she can, despite her being a redhead!".
They don't usually say the part about the redhead, but we're all thinking it.

No.

2010-04-14T15:13:00.007-05:00

So, first of all, pure blood Asians aren't blonde. Not naturally. Everyone knows this. Unless they're albino, but that's not blonde, that's freaky-deaky white so shut the hell up. And don't talk to me about recessive genes and Caucasian mixes cuz I'll punch you. You know what I mean. Asians are not blonde.

Actually, I have no idea if there are any natural blonde Asians on record, so I went to check to make sure I wasn't bullshitting you. I do not advise searching for "Blonde Asians" on the internet. The first site that came up seemed innocent enough from the stub, but please trust me. It was not the kind of thing my doe-eyes are used to resting on. I'm not hating, but that kind of filth will send you to you-know-where. Hell.

Um, also, this is Tila Tequila. She dyed her hare and I don't care.
(Please don't come after me TiLaTaquillaNMBR1FAN)

Juuuuust in case Target is open to it.... backpeddle backpeddle backpeddle...

2010-04-14T14:22:00.004-05:00

So is Emma Roberts from Harry Potter? Or the vampire stuffs? Why don't I know about her or care? What has she done? (also, I'm really not looking to pick a fight with any fans - especially you rYinFilLaPee4evA)

Also this is for all of yall who luuurv Emma Roberts boobs. Look. Here they are...

They are tiny. Really? Emma Roberts boobs? Hot? This is what brings you all here? Alright whatever. You pedophiles. That's fine. We'll take it. So in going through my usual blogs, I discovered that Julia Roberts niece offended Target and lots of simple folk everywhere by saying she would never design a line like "Emma Roberts for Target" and then backpeddled by babbling:
“I did not mean for it to sound like I said Target is cheesy. I love Target and have been going there my whole life. I meant to say if I ever design a line I would not put my name on it but do it more anonymously like the Olsens and The Row line. I realize they and others have had incredible success at Target and similar stores, and I think that’s totally cool. Sorry if I unintentionally offended anyone!”

Best part about that. She said all of that on Twitter. Oh yeah - everyone shops at Target, but she wouldn't know that since she has always had her aunts money to run around and shop with. Also, this is not news. It's boring.

Let's get back to why you are here --- for Emma's no-boob-boobs. Just to clarify, that's why this whole thing got started anyway.
Peace in the middle east.

Seriously.

2010-04-14T13:44:00.005-05:00

I need to air out some business to you guys:

On March 13th 2010 the Big Buddy blog and me personally were singled out in an act of harassment that is comparable to a level one terrorist threat. In a response to a post titled "Blast From The Past" I was both verbally and emotionally attacked. Please read the anonymous post below:

"Cruel Intentions" is the film title you're seeking. I guess you missed Ryan in the award-winning films "Gosford Park", "Crash", and "Flags of Our Fathers." Still missing him? His latest film "MacGruber" opens this month. Or you could catch him next weekend on SNL. He's hosting it.

At first I was able to laugh it off. But the more I thought about it, and the more I reread the response, I started to sense a malicious undertone. Maybe the "Still missing him?" comment was more than a glib attack. What if this is the head of the Ryan Phillipe fan club? What if they can organize, and perhaps strike. I even considered this was a close family member of Ryan Phillipe, perhaps his sister, or if he has a brother, Brian Phillipe. I don't know. This is all speculation at this point.
The point is, I harbor no resentment toward Ryan Phillipe. I was just joking. I obviously think Ryan Phillipe is a total hottie with a smoking body, that's the only reason I ever make posts about rando guys anyway! This Ryan-on-Ryan hate has gone on too far. I don't need to end this war before it goes on to a more serious venue, perhaps twitter or maybe a war of statements through our respective publicists.
I don't need or want this kind of drama. I have the utmost respect for Ryan Phillipe's rock hard body, and I even love it in those stages when it gets a little soft. His genes are impeccable, the best testament to that are his two adorable children. I would say he's a good actor, but come on. I don't give a shit. That's too far for me, even at my most serious.

Ok, that's about it. All I ask for is privacy for me and my family during this time.
I love all my fans.

2010-04-13T16:46:00.004-05:00

Britney herself released these photos so people would know she doesn't look like the airbrushed version they put on Candies ads. I really love that idea. Because all I can think over and over again is, "Um...DUH". Like I'm an 8-year-old. We see pictures of Britney in a miniskirt and without a bra every damn day. We know what her real body looks like. Hell, it would take under 5 minutes to find 8 close-up pictures of her vag (which by the way they airbrushed out also). I like how they can only airbrush the outside of her arm, not the part against her face, so that part still looks fat.

They even added in some arrows to show what hey changed, but what's for sure not the half of it. Listen, I'm not saying don't airbrush. Girls gotta eat, you know? Cellulite won't get the bills paid. I just don't really understand how this is selling shoes in the first place. I can't even see the damn shoe.

But the real question is what the hell is the Britney camp trying to get by. PLEASE don't tell me they're trying to make this world a better place for all those tweens who look up to her and hate their bodies because they can never be her. That is the biggest load of garbage I've ever heard. You know it and I know it.
This bitch doesn't care about the tweens. She cares about doing her own damn thing. I just don't get what the angle is here. Does anybody buy this?

Fine Dining With The Jersey Shore Men

2010-04-13T09:33:00.005-05:00

So, there's a lot of things I need to say. First one that comes to mind is that Bar Refaeli is supermodel tall, and those guys are meathead short. To compensate, the photographer has to come up with all these wacky poses where you can't tell how much taller she is. It's very creative.

This photoshoot is for the cover of Interview magazine. I don't even know why I wrote that, who cares, right? So what else do you need to know? Anything else about these pictures. Ok. I need to confess something. I love these pictures, but I have nothing to say about them. Once in a blue moon the pictures really do speak for themselves. I post shit cuz it makes me laugh. So what?

But I do have a question. Does anyone know if these guys are shaving or waxing? I know you have to let it grow out a little to wax, but I can't imagine how stubbly shaving gets. These are the issues we need to be thinking about, people.

BEST DAY EVER

2010-04-13T09:20:00.006-05:00

Ok, I am just having the best little morning ever! Before I talk about this Mean Girls post, I must comment on the Ryan Phillipe Post below. I REALLY love when people stumble upon Big Buddy and get all huffy at the crap we put up here. I can't stop smiling. I picture this renegade blog-commenter being all like, "Who doesn't know the host of SNL every weekend, gosh!". Well, I don't, and that's because I don't have a TV. I also don't watch movies or buy music. I'm not the consumer, I'm the judger. I sit outside the margins, untouchable. That's the beauty of the internet, DOY!

Anyway, to compound my greatest-day-ever, I just found out they're putting a Mean Girls Nintendo DS game next week. Aside from the obvious Lindsay Lohan missing on the cover and the 6 year gap between the movie and video game, actually, there's not much else besides that. They didn't really mention why they left Lindsay Lohan out, and I haven't heard any good conspiracy theories yet. Wanna hear mine? I think it's advertising. If Lindsay was on the game nobody would really care, it would a borning game 6 years after a kind of sassy movie. Now that Lilo's not there, people are creating a whirlwind of buzz. And by whirlwind I mean a small burp. But I really like that they did it. Because it was the one single thing Lindsay Lohan was associated with that wasn't an illegal substance or sex position. It was the one legitimate career move she made. I do not, of course, count the horrible album she put out.
And why wait 6 years to put the game out? I'm going to go ahead and say they are revolutionizing the graphic engines. Just kidding. They're probably perfecting the skirt flips, so pervy gamers can more realistically spend their Saturday nights with the closest thing they'll get to a group of girls. Wait, is this game marketed for girls? It never even occurred to me.

Blast From The Past

2010-04-11T13:03:00.002-05:00

We never really talk about Ryan Phillippe anymore, and I don't know why. Has he been in anything since that movie where he's in love with his sister, the one who played Buffy? I can't come up with the name of the movie. But I know you know it. Something about revenge. Or something. I keep raking my brain and all I can come up with is "Great Expectations" (Sorry Charles Dickens). I just have the feeling it's two words: first ones an adjective and the second ones a little longer and fancier-sounding.

It's not important. I have nothing else to say about this picture. He's not doing anything in the picture, and he's not working on a movie (that I wouldn't see anyway, lets be honest). It's just that he's hot. I like that zip-up hoodie with nothing underneath look. Let's hope this catches on. Rawr.

Maybe She Has A Thing For Redheads

2010-04-08T16:06:00.002-05:00

His Royal Highness Prince Not-William was visiting some cadets when he met this woman. And apparently one kiss on the cheek was all it took. She got weak in the knee. Who wouldn't?

Back to the name thing. I do remember now that his name is Harry. I'm almost sure. I just spent so many years thinking William was the looker. It's really hard for me to wrap my mind around a ginger being the hotter brother. It's for sure opposite day every day in the UK.

I have recently reignited my interest in the royal family after I saw a Lifetime movie about the boys after Princess Di died. It sucked, and it for sure made them both look stuck up. It was your classic Bodyguard premise (spoiled brat forges fast friendship with rough and tough bodyguard who's not taking any of their shit). But it's Lifetime, and they have an amazing way of leading you on till the last minute, before you realize they don't have a plot. How did we get on this topic?

She's a looker...

2010-03-23T18:35:00.003-05:00

A true beauty. And I'm not joking.

Hey Big Buddy (clap clap clap)

2010-02-10T17:20:00.002-05:00

It's gonna snow...

Way Harsh Tai

2009-12-20T20:19:00.006-05:00

Brittany Murphy has died at the age of 32. When police arrived at her house bright and early this morning she was already dead and possibly in the shower. Her mom discovered her body. I'm guessing anorexia plus cocaine, maybe throw in some meth too. She could not have weighed more than 75 lbs. in the recent few months. Look at her - compare the above to the below.

It's all been downhill for her since her role as Tai in Clueless. Also, BBQ sunflower seeds are delicious. That is all.

He's not a girl, not yet a woman

2009-12-20T00:50:00.003-05:00

One of the Jonas Brothers got married yesterday. Which one? Who cares, or is there actually a difference? The key point here is that he now doesn't have to go around parading himself as a virgin. And he claims to have been one until now. First of all - that's lame. Second of all - not hot Jo Bro. Third of all - liar. Fourth of all - maybe not a liar. Look at him. Fifth of all - remember when our beloved Britney Spears said she was a virgin til marriage all while she was dating Justin Timberlake, back in the day? That was funny.
Once you say that promise ring shit in public, you have to keep that charade going. It's pretty funny actually. Well congrats Jo Bro(s) - one of you is no longer a "virgin." Hope it was amazing. I'm pretty sure though that it wasn't.

I may not be a fashionista...

2009-12-17T23:46:00.006-05:00

But neither are these people. They are trying too hard and showing us "fashion forward" looks and I want to vomit. Seriously, I'm not completely up-to-date on really anything - but these people just looking fucking crazy. Rihanna is the worst of these all. Every single day she looks uglier than the last. She is seriously gorgeous if you can look past her garb, hair, makeup, and everything else that some stylist is jokingly trying to see if she will wear. It's a joke. A sick joke - and she is the only one who isn't laughing.

Lady Gaga is just trying to distract us from her face which is seriously ugly. Seriously - just look past the makeup and you can see it. (and then you are back to being thankful that she wears the atrociousness that she wears because we are distracted...phew) And the last usual culprit of fashion grossness is Madonna and her problem has less to do with the ridiculousness of her "fashion" and more to do with the fact that she is annoying and won't go away and she is just plain old. Take a look at this fuckery:

Lady Gaga wearing what any sane person would wear to meet the Queen Mum.

Ugly.

Rihanna being "fashionable" as a warrior (seriously, WTF?!) on the set of her new music video.

Madonna - OLD.

If this were a joke, it would still not be funny.

Maybe some time I will write a post on people whose fasion I do like: Jennifer Garner (jeans and a tshirt), Jennifer Aniston (looks effortless and put together in anything), James Franco (just because he's so attractive) and usually Eva Mendes (love her clothing!). One day, soon to come...

Crazy Town, And Mayor Frances Bean (Or is it Francis? I never remember)

2009-12-16T13:58:00.010-05:00

So I've been meaning to write a story about Frances Bean for a while. And now's the time.

I'll start with the most recent, and work back. First of all, she's been emancipated from her crackhead mother, Courtney Love. At first, it was all touchy-feely, like, maybe she would just rather live with her grandmother. But now there's all this talk about a restraining order against Courtney. She still controls Kurt Cobain's money. I mean, the money in a trust fund for Francis. Any she could get her hands on were inhaled, snorted and shot up years ago. Duuuh. But there are rumors that this is the first attempt to try and get Kurt's mother in control of the trust, and far away from Courtney's control.

In her usual style, she wrote some bullshit about it. It's totally illegible. But the idea is that she's pissed. She's hurt. She's mocking her daughter by using the word little all the time, like calling it her "little life" and calling her "kid" a lot. And. You know what? I can't translate it. It's stuff like this:

"she tweets normal bratty stuff NOW shes clueless and in some wierd isolation tank about what that nasty crews gone and done, they have appealed to proetct PROPERTY not her, granny wants a check thats all," - Courtney Love

Where sentences don't even end. I don't know how to talk about it. But basically she's pissed and hurt and that's how she responds. Um....really...mature? The point is she's pissed, and really not helping her case. I think this is the third time Frances Bean has been separated from her mother by the courts. I just remember one time, a long time ago where they were pulling them away, and Frances was yelling, "Mom, who will schedule the TiVo!". I really loved that. Good relationship. She wasn't too worried about who would tuck her in at night, just the TiVo. It's just really silly.

So there's one more separate issue I'd like to discuss. Please see below.
Ok, I went a little overboard on pictures. Sue me.

Anyways, there was this great little twitter post that Frances Bean put up, bashing Ali Lohan. It went like this:

"Your not entitled to anything simply because your sister has a recognizable name. Your idea of fame isn’t fame. It’s infamy. You want to be famous? Work your ass off and make decisions that could potentially catapult your career into a lasting one. Notariety for who you are and notaritey for the work you produce are two completely differnt things. I understand that you have been brought up in an envirtoment where the idea of fame is easily achievable but, that’s not an excuse. You lack the talent, social understanding and credibility to be anything other then infamous. Your careere choices, thus far, will transcend a future career as someone who attempted to be famous, but never quite achieved it. And if you do, it will be the formality of fame that puts you on the covers of tabloids, while the public idly watches you plumit into the murky abyss shared with the likes of Spencer Pratt & Jon Gosslin who, i’m sure, will steal your money whilst there.
Fortunately for the world, there are people who have and don’t have recognizable names, who have obtained artistic integrity and will one day, hopefully, bring that tangible artisticness into light again. Though, its hard to think thats achievable when people like Youali lohan are rendering the world of true talent by attempting to make your entitled ass noticed. How is this fair to the people who HAVE artistic integrity, or a mind? How is it fair to those who truly have something to offer the human race other then a dwindling last name and a few shitty films, both of which, solidified the idea that your just a celebrities sibling. I recognize that i might come across as harsh and no, i don’t personally know you, but its the actions that you take, that speak for you. You blatently don’t care how your recognized, its the objective to get famous and that is what makes you replaceable and a recycled idea .Well, im ashamed to have to be grouped into the same category of person as you. I would rather die a most painful death the be assoicated with the kind of careere your trying to make for your self. I hope i’m wrong because generally i’m not a very judgmental person," - Frances Bean Cobain

First of all, kudos on the spelling. The first thing I do when I make a self-righteous rant is check spelling and grammar. No way you look cool calling someone a "looser". It's kind of sad. Second thing I do is make sure I can stand by my words. I must live by what I say. When I say I want Britney Spears to go crazy again, I really, truly mean it. I believe it. I live by those words. It's really, really hard to believe Frances Bean can hate on Ali Lohan so publicly for being famous for a famous relative. Really? Do I have to explain it?
*Sigh*

Frances Bean is only famous for her dad, who killed himself when she was a wee baby. Her mother, Courtney Love is also only famous for the same reason. She's a has been, living off her dead husband's fame from the 90's. It's cool. I don't care. I applaud it. Girl's gotta eat, I understand. They just have to make fucking sure they're not a pot calling the kettle black. Which they are. You can't just go around ranting with words like "artisticness" and "abyss" and "thus" and expect us to be impressed. I mean, lets call it what it is: some pissy junior high shit.

She admits to not knowing Ali personally, just judging her from afar. She tells her to work hard to gain fame. Like, seriously, what the fuck has Frances Bean done to be famous? This is literally the first thing I've know her to do publicly. And its lame as shit. What kind of poetry is this, "I would rather die a most painful death the be associated with the kind of careere your trying to make for your self."? This is the kind of thing Frances Bean wants to be known for? This is how someone presents themselves as they're putting someone else down? Who associates a person with a careere?

Listen, I'm not defending Ali Lohan, I couldn't give a shit about her. But I do think that Frances Bean is a piece of shit now. I mean, hilarious, don't get me wrong. It's hilarious how crazy this all sounds. To be so harsh and judge someone you don't know, but also accuse them of doing everything you are known for. It's just really, really silly. But want to know what's most astounding? People are applauding FB for her rant! They say that aside from the spelling, it is a clear and well-formed argument. It's really hard, at times like this, to express my disappointment. I can't spend the time looking at every sentence separately, and then each of them together, and go through what's wrong with each other them. I could, but, would that help? There are people out there who thinks this kind of Internet twitter rant is a sign of "good character".

I mean. I'm just dumbfounded. How can I work with that? I mean, has anyone considered her motives? Someone who cares about the arts would shut the hell up and just churn out something meaningful herself. Someone who cares about the person would privately speak with them. Someone who cares about not looking like a pissy-ass teenager would realize they are literally painting a self portrait, and looking like an idiot at the same time. I mean, look at the situation: the only reason she has a voice louder than anyone else is her dead father and infamous mother made her feel so self-important that she is actually angry that someone else is using their famous family as a kickboard? It's hilarious. Did I mention yet that at 16 she landed an internship at Rolling Stone Magazine. Probably used a fake name so that wouldn't affect her chances of getting hired. I'm glad Frances Bean never used the word "entitled" as an insult against anyone else.

My favorite blog, Dlisted.com, put it best. I don't remember the exact quote, but the idea involved irony-poisoning from the whole thing. I might barf all over the flannel shirt tied around my waist.

Finally, is this a good time to mention that although he was hot, Kurt Cobain was kind of overrated?

Good News...And Then The Reason We'll Never Speak Of This Again

2009-12-14T20:55:00.003-05:00

Is Leonardo DiCaprio still dating Bar Refaeli? I don't know. Alls I know is I was super excited to find out they are FINALLY making a viking movie! Haven't I been calling it for a long time? Vikings are the new Vampire! I want it! I love it!

But then I found out that Mel Gibson's going to be in the film. So now he's taken the one important thing in my life (Vikings, its true, shut up) and made it meaningless. Thanks a lot, Jew Hater. And I was just kidding about Bar Refaeli, she's a terrible Jew and Israeli, I take no responsibility for her either. Tear.

Jersey Shore, My New Favorite Show. Once I Start Watching.

2009-12-12T15:23:00.002-05:00

I have such a keen eye for judging, I can actually tell you how much I love the show Jersey Shore, even though I haven't seen an episode. I just know I love it. Just from overhearing how impossible the drinking game is (drink every time someone says Guido). I just love how into themselves they are. They just go around saying how amazing they are, and how hot they are. I think it's like, one of those things where actually being something is not as important as going around claiming you're something. You are what you say you are. And the person who shouts the loudest is the most-est. And everyone's happy until someone says something else, and then everyone's mad again and wants to fight. It's so irresistible!

Brookie?

2009-12-12T12:13:00.002-05:00

OK. This is not a joke. Please tell me if this is a picture of the Hogan kids. Please. Because the story attached was about nick and some friend of the family, so I wouldn't be too surprised if that was a man dressed as a woman. There was some indication that this family friend is a gay hater, so I'm not sure if the article was trying to be silly and post that same man when he was dressed as a woman. But then, those are boobs right? That blue dress has boobs. Right? I just really don't know. I'm being serious. We always joke about Brook Hogan looking like a trampy cross-dresser, but this isn't her, right? Help!

Try Not To Get Too Excited

2009-12-11T12:42:00.004-05:00

I don't know how I'm going to take my exam in an hour. I'm just so excited. I've learned that Miss Britney Spears has lawyers evaluating the status of her father's conservatorship. Oh, it's just too exciting. I wish her all the best, obviously. But lets be honest. It's been a little boring since Britney hasn't had access to all those dollars. Really, truly boring. I don't want her to hit rock bottom again, I just want some of those old Britney antics we all got so used to to come back. Oh, I so badly want them back. Remember back in like, March 2007? There was no question. When you woke up in the morning, there would be a new Britney Story. I miss that. Here's to hoping!

Know What I Don't Miss?

2009-12-10T10:02:00.003-05:00

Remember that craze when celebrity couples got mash-up names? I really hated that. Most of all I hate Brangelina. I really hate that name. Amy, do you agree? You use it a lot, but I think you use it more in hate than in love. Right? Right?

It all started with Ben Affleck dating J-Lo, and the irritating name Bennifer. I think that's just annoying in general, right? Not clever, not even a real thing in its own right. It's like someting a junior high student thinks up. There was Katie Holmes + Tom Cruise (TomKat) which I think is creepy. I give it props for being a real thing, aside from being a nickname, but by that time the public had grown a little more mature and witty in their couples nicknames.

Oh oh, and the always irritating Spederline, for Britney Spears and Kevin Federline. Who even gave a shit about K-fed? When would that word even need to be used? Britney will do, that's all the story needs to be about. Thanks. And what was Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson's nickname? LoRo? Something annoying like that.

Anyway, that just popped into my head, and I sure am glad we're not doing that anymore, America.

She Wants To Be An Icon AND a Saint

2009-12-08T14:42:00.004-05:00

This girl wants to "Escape the drama of L.A. and do something real". So she's shooting a documentary for BBC in India. I really, really love her. Does she realize how ridiculous she sounds? (I know, she spells it rediculous) She wants to win an Oscar, be a muse, work in the fashion world and save impoverished children. And yet, her life is a train wreck. I really, really, really wish I could live inside her head and listen to what her brain is telling her. How does she thinks she comes off to the public, when this picture of her comes out in a magazine the same week she says she wants to make the world a better place? What adjectives would Lindsay Lohan use to describe herself?

P.S. I did this post during a pathology group project on anemia. I now realize they probably thought I was looking at porn, maybe even posting some on my own blog. Real cool.

Just because you are famous, doesn't mean you can sing.

2009-12-07T23:36:00.004-05:00

Why is it that actresses who are only marginally famous for having any actual acting talent, believe that they can make it as singers? Recently there has been a lot of that. Take these people...

Scarlet Johansen who takes herself entirely too seriously.

Leighton Meester from Gossip Girl who is desperately trying to extend her 15 minutes of fame...

And Pam Anderson whose single "High" has recently been leaked. And might I add that she has two pubescent sons. I think about those boys every time I see recent pics of her running around naked on catwalks. I'm disturbed on their behalf. Also, she's still riding out her fame from FIFTEEN year old episodes of Baywatch. Her time is so up! She's been too old for this nonsense, and I know I haven't even heard her song, but I'd bet my life that it's about as good as she is fresh faced and au natural.

Like the dress

2009-12-07T23:29:00.002-05:00

Don't like the person.

Just lost respect for Ron Livingston

2009-12-07T23:13:00.005-05:00

I just read this article about how Ron Livingston was suing over claims that he was gay - IN HIS WIKIPEDIA entry!!! Well I've got a few things to say to you, Ron "I'm not gay" Livingston:

1) It's WIKIPEDIA! If you don't like what someone is writing about you, fucking change it! It's Wikipedia!!!!
2) Who the hell cares if you are gay!
3) You sure you aren't gay?
4) Stop whining! The fact that ANYONE is talking about you this many years after Office Space and Sex and the City is blowing my mind. Frankly, you should be embracing whoever it is that cares enough to even look, let alone, edit your Wikipedia page.
5) Dude - just come out of the closet. If Wikipedia says it - then it's clearly true. Seriously, who is going to believe you over your Wikipedia page? Not me.

Jessica Alba is boring

2009-12-07T23:09:00.004-05:00

I've always thought so, but somewhere along the line she became unremarkable and plain. I'm too bored with her to even post a picture. Just saying....yawn!

Who hasn't sexed the "eye of the Tiger?" eh? eh? eh?

2009-12-07T22:59:00.003-05:00

While everybody and their mom is coming out with their stories about having Ambien sex with Tiger Woods, etc. etc. I am here to start the rumor that Paris Hilton and Tiger Woods are in love. Spread the word...

Hulk Hogan - engaged...

2009-12-07T18:45:00.006-05:00

This is his brand new fiance...

He's a billion years old, and most importantly, he found the one person in the world who is as cheap looking as his daughter... she's basically her identical twin. This is disturbing. But not nearly as disturbing as his relationship with his daughter is in itself.... Remember this?

Also, for the record, he's not divorced from his wife yet. What happened to people getting divorced before getting engaged? Gross. I need to go take a shower. I'm covered in dirt.

Travesty...

2009-12-07T18:34:00.004-05:00

...that we don't see more of him now that he and Kate McSkinny is lame and not with him. Anyway, he was arrested. I don't know why. I'm not reporting any "news" about him because I stopped reading once I saw the picture. I really only wanted to share the picture. And here it is...

What a hottie!

Tiger.

2009-12-07T18:21:00.003-05:00

And that's that. Elin Woods moved out of the 2 million dollar house she shares with Tiger. Apparently she didn't like the slut parade going on in there. Hm. Well, I it back, that's not that. This isn't going anywhere. I think we'll hear some real good stories from this. I hope. She looks like she's got the devil in her eyes, but he has enough money to keep her quiet. We'll have to wait and see. PS. the picture above is from before she was married, when she was hot. Now she looks a bit hit up. But don't worry, it's a long way to PamAnderson-ville. I'm really excited to see how this works out. She doesn't look like she gives a fuck about what people think, and you know we encourage that here at Big Buddy.

And Like That, Big Buddy's On The Tiger Woods Bandwagon

2009-12-07T17:03:00.002-05:00

People are just talking too much about this Tiger Woods thing. But this picture is just too funny. At this point I don't even wonder who he slept with. I just assume they're all telling the truth. Why would they lie? They are respectful people who have their dignity to think about. But seriously, if you really got offered that, wouldn't you just pay back to your dealer and but a down payment on a year of meth, and head back to the strip club? Why make a scene?

Mostly I just posted this cuz I like the guy in the background, what's he doing? Appraising the roof?
Also, last I checked the count was up to 9. So keep posted. Although I'll probably forget about this story .....now.

Lindsay Tries, Again, To Be Iconic

2009-12-07T16:34:00.005-05:00

Lindsay Lohan took off her clothes and got in bed with a bunch of people. And there were cameras. For a change, she was doing it for a photoshoot. And, to keep a little nostalgia in there, she thought this time would be her big break. She wants this to be an expression about how much she loves fashion, maybe, I don't know. I don't read into art that well. Maybe. They keep talking about how she's so intense and passionate about this. Um, slapping on some leggings and bombing your first fashion line does not warrant you as a fashion expert. So now she's "trying to channel Kate Moss and Jonny Depp of the 90s". That is not a joke, although it seems like one. She really did this. And she did it because...well, I guess she thought it was real cool. And everyone would love her for it.

Listen, you can't just wake up one day and be iconic. I can't just go up to a photographer and tell him I want to take a picture that will be iconic. Nobody knows who I am. So what's the difference? The picture has to have meaning. A group of people have to all agree that the photo is influential, interesting, emotional, and significant to them. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. You can just get all cracked out and try to make people care about your pictures. It's just silly.

It's like trying to give yourself a nickname. By now, every single A, B and C list show has made a joke about the guy who tries to give himself a nickname. It never works, does it? No, he ends up getting made fun of, and probably with a stupider nickname than he wanted in the first place.
Now, I know there's a parallel to Lindsay Lohan somewhere in there, but for the life of me I can't come up with it.

Jessica Simpson, Low Grade Britney Spears

2009-12-06T10:33:00.001-05:00

I think the expression on the woman behind her says it all.

Blah Blah Lindsay Lohan

2009-12-06T10:27:00.001-05:00

There have been a lot of posts about Lindsay Lohan. Most of them say absolutely nothing. Some say things like she's been kissy-face with Cash Warren. Some say John Mayer got her talking to Samantha Ronson again. Whoooooo cares?

All the pictures look like this. Yuck. Sheesh. Hard times, Linds.

Goddamit Miley

2009-12-04T15:31:00.006-05:00

About half my posts for a year have been an open letter to Miley Cyrus on how to not fuck up. It's like, she's the only damn role model kids have these days, and she's humping stripper poles and sending naked pictures of herself in the shower to her pervy little boyfriends. It's horrible enough imagining Rihanna doing it, and she's a legal adult. I even had to yell at her for making goofy Asian faces and somehow trying to use god as an excuse for why it's totally ok that she did that. But its literally STUNNING how she can keep coming up with more ways to look like an asshole. It's incredible. She has enough money to hide the dumb shit she does from the public eye. I mean, how it is possible that one person can make so many dumb choices? There are only so many days of the year. Don't get me wrong, tattoos are fine. But not if your source of millions of dollars is just looking like a wholesome girl so that parents keep taking their kids to your concerts. I just don't understand. It's not like she has to be wholesome, just pretend she is when she's in public. Britney Spears did it for years, until she went seriously crazy, and then nobody could blame her! Miley should be thankful of that. If Britney Spears were still the pop princess she used to be, there would be no room for Miley. It's so insane. The worse she looks, the more mothers just sit around waiting for a better option to encourage their kids to worship.

I don't want to know all the details of this 16 year olds sad little boobie-inserts on her bikini. But apparently they zoom in on these pictures when they find a tit tattoo underneath that (lets be honest) pre-pubescent shelf of hers. It says "Just Breathe". Great reminder for someone who's strolling alongside a pool in Miami in the middle of December. Aren't most kids her age working on school projects and getting into college these days? Some people have real problems. Don't you think they could use a little pool time in the sun? This bitch has nothing to complain about. Just breathe. Please. She could walk away from that life and never look back. Probably wouldn't have to work a day in her life. But she doesn't. Don't pick Hollywood and then complain about it. It's fucking lame. I'd like to send her a little sketch I made for her next tattoo. It's real artsy cursive letters that say "Just Stop Being an Ungrateful Bitch". It's very tasteful. Maybe she could put it right on her ass.

Happy Birthday Britters

2009-12-02T23:25:00.003-05:00

She's 28 today. Can you believe only 28? Oy.
Also, today I read that 50 Cent claims he carries $25k on him at all times "just in case." Really? $25k? In case? In case of what. Chronic assholitis?
Can you tell I'm mid-finals. I can.

Kardashian Sisters in Bikinis

2009-12-02T16:03:00.002-05:00

Kim Kardashian (note I use her last name because she's not a celebrity) and her sister, Stupid posted a few pics on twitter before a photoshoot for some diet stuff they're selling. Can we talk about this photoshop job? Do you think the one on the left can really stand on a right leg that is that small? And forget about the notch at the windowpane, because most thighs naturally have notches in them.

I'm not even getting started on the one on the right, that got famous for putting out a sex tape. I mean, you can see all over where the colors and lines don't match. How lame is that? That looks worse than the shit I made for yearbook in high school.

Look At Me! Look At Me! I'm Just As Edgy As Madonna In The 80's! And She's Doing So Well Now, Image-wise.

2009-09-30T12:21:00.004-05:00

I just read a great post from one of my favorite blogs, er, inside sources. Thesuperficial.com has a great post about Britney Spear's new song, which is apparently about threesomeones. According to Rolling Stone her new song goes,

"Merrier the more, triple fun that way," Spears sings in one of the many, many innuendo-packed lyrics that seem like they were spawned from Prince's Dirty Mind-era brain. There's also "Three is a charm, two is not the same. I don't see the harm, so are you game?" and "If you don't like the company, let's just do it you and me. You and me... Or three... Or four..."

Ooh, so vulgar. Barf. The only reason I liked the post or cared enough to write about it is because he made fun of Britney's penchant for going "Tit Commando" on a daily basis, which I really like. I don't know if he's the one who brought it into our lexicon, but I'll credit him in my next dictionary. Until then, I'd also like to comment on Brits ripped dress. Not because it shows she lacks the ability to dress herself in clothes that are meant for public, but because I remember the days when she was a wreck, and her dog would shit on dresses worth thousands of dollars in photoshoots. Ah, to be a fly on that wall.

Justin And Tunafish. The Weirdest Post Yet.

2009-09-30T12:14:00.003-05:00

If you were famous, how would you know where real life begins and where fake PR life ended? The cover of this magazine literally has 4 stories I can't believe. The most believeable one is how two 4 year old pick out their own kooky clothes. So what, I did that too! I used to think it was rad to wear my bubby's old babushkas and my and an old kimono. So the hell what.

Everything else is garbage: fake marriage, fake dating, fake divorce. Is this for reals? I'm living vicariously through people who don't even have real lives. Is that normal? Maybe I should make a blog about chicken salad. That's real. It gets eaten, it goes bad. It more real than this bullshit. Next week: Rice pudding. Real as could be.

Good Day

2009-09-27T22:29:00.004-05:00

And then there are pictures like this, that make me happy in life. I'm just content to have a blog, where I can showcase pictures of Britney Spears at her concerts. I'm happy there is a world where she exists, and pictures like this exist. More of this, and I'm a happy lady. I think that people used to worship famous people, and want to be them. They used to look down at regular people and think they were miserable, sad wretches who weren't worth the piss they slept in. The paradigm has shifted a bit, though. I think it actually did a complete 180. I honestly think that now we use famous people for our amusement, to feel better. We look at them and think, "As bad as my life's going, at least I'm not wearing a big cop hat with a douchy B on it. And all the world slept soundly. Amen.

Is She Freaking Kidding?

2009-09-27T22:13:00.002-05:00

This is literally the most ridiculous thing I've seen in a long time. Pamela Anderson, who I think is completely gross, showed off her new 'clothing' line in Australia this weekend. In case you're not down with the fashion world like I am, after the show, the designer comes out and does their little ego walk thing. They usually throw in a wave and blow some kisses. But not ol' skanky ass Hep C Pam.

Grandma Pammy put on a see through hoop sheet, a pink thong and heels, and paraded down the runway. Now, there's no way in hell this wasn't planned, because nobody, not even someone who lets themselves look like that, is that stupid. I refuse to live in a world where someone is stupid enough to think they'll look awesome wearing what she's wearing. It is a publicity stunt or I'm slitting my wrists.

So Pamela the Old Whore Anderson woke up that morning and decided she was going to wash her dignity in hot water and dry it in high heat, so that it shrinks up to the size of one of those pieces of confetti, and then she decided to wear it out on the runway, for all to see.

Little Poison/Motley Crue Fan Club Dirty Sheetstain Anderson, you've topped yourself. And oh yeah, I think she should still be embarrassed about Kidd Rock. I've met him and he's ugly. This does not detract from her being a low-standing peep show whore with no morals or standards. I guess when everyone's seen you have sex on the internet, it's not really that far to fall. Still, even porn stars show less tit when they're in public. Once again, I cannot express my shame for this woman. It is literally the saddest person in Hollywood. I know, I wrote "it" because I was going somewhere else when that sentence started, but I changed my mind. You get the message. Do I need to mention this person has children she is legally allowed to be with? Alone.

2009-09-22T16:35:00.004-05:00

More pics of Katie Holmes and Suri Cruise in Boston. As I mentioned in my earlier post about Tommy's made-up family, I used to live in ol Beantown myself. I was happy to recognize KT and Suri walking down my fav little street in Boston, Newbury street. I actually used to live on the shittier West side of the street, but still, very happening place. In fact, I always brag I used to live above the gnome and fairy shop there, that blows bubbles with a bubble-maker all summer.

Much to my chagrin, Suri Cruise is playing with the very gnomes on the very steps of my old apartment building! It was such a magical place! This girl addicted to uppers on the first floor swore the gnomes came alive at night and rearranged her apartment. And the owner of the store would get mad at her for smoking on the stoop because "gnomes don't like cigarrette butts". It was also a place for out-of-towners to connect with their local wiccan healers if need be. Also everyone is excited because Suri's wearing heels. I think it's cute. But I'm more excited about the gnome and fairy shop. You know, you can spell it faery if you want to be cool. I learned that in Boston.

Stupid Formal Wear

2009-09-21T11:13:00.003-05:00

Listen, I'm not gonna say much because I have an exam soon and I really have to stop blogging. But Hayden looks fucking ridiculous. There is a lot I want to say about the Emmy's, who won (30-Rock) and what people wore, but I can't resist posting this. She looks like a fucking clown. She looks like an eight year old tried to tailor her eyebrows and stick her hair up one curl at a time. It's so fucking insane to look at. I don't even know what to say. That lipstick is ridiculous. Can SOMEONE get me a thesaurus? I just can't stop saying, thinking and typing "ridiculous"!

Here's an example of someone who got it right. Thank you, Christina Applegate, for doing it so well. I did watch "Samantha Who" but it got stupid after 3 episodes and I knew it was going to end. Still, I support her, I think she's funny.

Holly Madison, How Far You've Fallen

2009-09-21T10:58:00.004-05:00

Well, I guess letting people take pictures of your naked body for money isn't really a step up from many things. But Holly was one of the lucky ladies who got to do with with hair extensions made from real hair, so she was a super-lucky naked model. And now she's...um, at the grand opening of pink hot dogs at Planet Hollywood. Do they still have Planet Hollywoods? Didn't Bruce Willis open that when he was still doing work? And what, Arnold Schwarzenegger gave up a "still-uphill" movie career (remember Junior, the movie where he played a man who gets pregnant?) to be a boring politician? Who was the third owner? Who cares. More than 40 have closed down. Yeah, pink hot dogs will really save that empire. Playboy mansion parties to this? Holly, bad business move.

Know Who We Haven't Talked About In A While?

2009-09-21T10:39:00.002-05:00

Tom Cruise! After all this time! I'm so sorry! I think the Cruise-Holmes thing got really boring after the funny-creepy thing became regular, and there was really nothing new. It appears Tom has landed in Boston yesterday. It's mecca to crazy Xenu lovers. I used to live there, and they would always be handing out personality tests on my street corner. I'm sure with those toit pants and sessy man-boobs, Cruise handed out the most personality quizes out of all the street people.

Of course Tom's posse came with him. His wifey, who's contract is up for renewal, the adopted son he had with his last wife, and litte Suri, who is losing that cute edge of hers. I'm pretty sure Shiloh takes it by a long shot these days. We'll talk about that later, lets just mention, for old times sake, Katie Holme's sad career. She had it all, she was a young A-lister with a cute body and the world at her feet. Look at her now. Broadway? Cool.

And Suri. I was all for team Suri. I thought she looked like a little bit of heaven plopped down on this earth to teach us what beauty was like. But now she looks like she has a weird hairline, and maybe she's never let outside. I think she still has the blue eyes-brown hair thing going, which is unique enough to win her some points. Who knows, maybe she'll grow into it. Maybe she'll end up wearing toit pants, a toiter top and some sneakers. Who knows.

Jonny Makeup

2009-09-19T21:54:00.005-05:00

So I've got a new interest. I was first introduced to him when we was on an episode of "Who Cares with Kendra and That Guy with a Douche". He is literally the most ridiculous person I've ever met, and I can't decide if I love or hate him. I think love him. But after 3 minutes I want to strangle him.

Jonny Makeup is the heir to American Apparel fortune, which he loves to call "My Daddy's Company". Try to watch this video [LINK], where he gives a tour of the factory. If you can watch for more than 5 minutes, you're a better person than me. Really, though, I think he loves American Apparel more than hipsters. I guess I would too if I was getting rich off it. Otherwise, I'd have to put it somewhere between irritating and overrated but soft. He also has a blog [LINK] that can be endearing, but again, focusing a little too much on the company. You get the feeling it's all very rehearsed.

Anyway, aside from being a socialite (a word I think implies useless to society), he is also a musician. Um, I think he did something with Peaches once, and did a music video some unknown guy did about Beyonce, but I'm actually over him. The video annoyed me. But he is funny sometimes. In a ridiculous way.

Lindsay Lohan, Out And About

2009-09-19T13:07:00.003-05:00

Lindsay Lohan almost never fails to amuse me. If she's being a wreck, it's amazing. When she's acting like a sober grown-up (for five minutes) it's hilarious. This is a new angle of Lindsay I haven't really covered, but I like it as well. A lot of stars think about their red carpet poses, because they know they're going to be all over the magazines, and they want to catch just the right look, to give just the right message. Nuances are huge. Hands on hips can mean a million things, dependins on where the fingers lay, where the other hand is, the angle of the hip, you name it. It's a complicated dance that lay people like us will never understand. We're busy being productive members of society. We're not worried if we're coming off as "sexy" versus "playful" or "girlish" or "coy". I don't really think most people give a shit where anyone else's hands are.
But in the complicated world of staying relevant for more than a month, you must worry about this issue. And maybe it's just her blow talking, but Lindsay was either feeling sexy, or trying to look like she's feeling sexy. This little look is hilarious because it was so obviously practiced, maybe even coached by an outside entity. Let me repeat that in different words in case you didn't realize how crazy that is. Lindsay Lohan has purposely rehearsed and posed herself in this position to get more people to like her. If you looked at these pictures and first thought "ooh, sexy", I urge you to look again. Please tell me you don't see what I see. Which is, of course, "Ohh, CRAZY."

Update: Chris Brown is An Ass

2009-09-17T21:42:00.002-05:00

Chis Brown not taking this community service seriously is so shitty. It's not like he did something that is sort of remotely funny, that he may be proud of or could pull off as "cool on the streets". He beat his damn girlfriend. He shouldn't be tweeting about "checking out his outfit". And he shouldn't be walking around with his shirt off like it's a damn family picnic.

Anyway, enough rant. The best line I've heard about this picture:

"Would you hit that? Because it would hit you."

Punished

2009-09-17T12:21:00.004-05:00

See? A little message to all you would-be abusers. Chris Brown is showing you the cruel punishment you endure when you beat the person you love dearest. Um, he even left a picture of himself in his orange vest on twitter. He didn't talk to anybody, but he did smile and wave. Is this the kind of thing you should be bragging about? Is this the kind of punishment you'd expect when you make someone look like this: I hope not. I don't think that beating the shit out of someone should get you a little free time to get your hands dirty and play with some power tools, that's all I'm saying. Some people pull weeds for fun, on their days off. I do think it's acceptable punishment for every DJ who played "Umbrella" 600 times in May 2007. But that's a different story.

Worst Week Ever: PR Guys

2009-09-15T11:45:00.005-05:00

Officially the worst job to have this week is anything in PR. It turns out that you're going to spend the whole week sopping up the HUGE mess your clients make by running their mouths. This Kanye West/Taylor Swift debacle is turning into "Apology-Fest 2009". And it looks like our Prez, Obama wanted to get involved in the worst way.

President Sass Pants was giving an interview for CNBC when he mentioned that Kanye was a "jackass". Of course, he's right. He's probably pissed that he's been all, "trying to act like a good black role model" and Kayne West can come and just destroy that with his stereotypical Hennessy-induced blather. I'd be pissed too. But that's not why I'm a politician, cuz I runs me mouth too much! Obama is in no way wrong, he's obviously right, and he goes up a few notches in my book, cuz I like a president that smokes and swears. If I find out he laughs at farts I'm going into politics myself.

So some eager-beaver named Terry Moran took Obama's off-the-record "Jackass" comment, and twittered about it. 50,000 people saw it before he realized how stupid he was. So now CNBC is apologizing to Obama. And Obama will likely come up with an apology for Kanye, who supported Obama during his presidential election. But so far they're "no comment". I think they may try to play it off like he didn't really say jackass, and it was just a confused little interviewer, and Obama's the victim. Man up, Bama! Ha! It only took me 6 minutes of typing before the screenshot started floating around. I love the internets.

Patrick Swayze

2009-09-15T08:21:00.004-05:00

After a long battle with pancreatic cancer, Patrick Swayze passed away yesterday. I think this is a hard time for all of us, and our hearts go out to his family and friends. His movies certainly have a special meaning to people of many generations.

Arguement Against Small Dogs

2009-09-15T08:17:00.004-05:00

The poor dog that Jessica Simpson carries around to distract everyone from her wasted career is missing, and she's upset about it. I feel bad about, but there's something you need to know. The dog, Daisy, got carried away by coyotes. Yesssss. You heard me right. Big dogs carried this little dog away. I personally think this is nature saying we're making our dogs just too small these days. If your dog cannot defend itself against a small woodland creature, get a bigger dog. Send a message to breeders! Tell them we won't put up with dogs smaller than a dish towel any longer!

Allllso, I hate when people think their dog considers them "mommy". Ugh, barf.

Katy Perry

2009-09-14T11:25:00.003-05:00

Hm, new turn of events. I'm posting about Kay Perry. How very interesting. I normally don't care for her, in that I don't know anything about her besides that "I kissed a girl song" which I find a little catchy and more than a little offensive. I know she dresses weird. There's not much I really have to say about her because I don't know anything. But I do know she looked bangin' at the VMAs last night. So there's that. Welcome to our blog, Katy Perry.

Kanye's a Dick? News to Me!

2009-09-14T11:14:00.002-05:00

Looks like Kanye West got a little bit too much of the sauce last night, and he's paying for it today. The guy who gets hurt when South Park makes fun of his ego was at it again last night at MTV's Video Music Awards. As Taylor Swift was accepting her award for Best Female Video Kanye came and stole her moment (it was the first time she won a VMA award) and grabbed the mic. She was in the middle of saying how hard it is for a country music singer to get one of those awards. He goes,

"I'm really happy for you, I'm gonna let you finish, but Beyonce had one of the best videos of all time. One of the best videos of all time!"

He then handed her the mic and walked off. She's like a sad puppy, but Beyonce's look is amazing. She's obviously shocked and realizes how rude it was. And her face is letting you know she's not touching that shit with a ten foot pole. She also asked Taylor Swift to come up and "finish her moment". Beyonce, who had been winning MTV awards since she was 17, doesn't give a shit how many thank-you speeches she's going to make that night. Taylor Swift won big that night. She got a huge, huge, huge response the second time. Big win for her. Maybe she paid Kanye to do it.

P.S. He apologized on his blog today, in all caps, and I can't read that shit. It makes me throw up.

Serena Williams, My New Favorite Athlete

2009-09-14T11:09:00.002-05:00

Serena Williams got fined $10,000 today for swearing at the line judge for the Grand Slam tournament over the weekend. That was about 3% of her earnings for that tournament alone. Really sending the message. I liked it. It's sports, dammit. She didn't hit anyone, did she? No, all she said was she swears she would, "Shove the fucking ball up her fucking ass". So what?

The little judge needs to man up. This is sports, not a tea party. I don't care how "unprofessional" it seems. Do you think professional football players get fined for saying shit like that? Seriously, do you? I have no basis for this argument.

YUUUUUCK

2009-09-11T10:18:00.002-05:00

Ok, this has just gone too far! Victoria Beckham. What the hell. I can't get over it. She used to be the bitchy spice girl, and then the made up footballers wife. And then she went nuuuuts. This is just too far. She used to be just like, overdone and plastic, which didn't do it for me, but I guess I could understand why that was someone's type. This is nobody's type. This is just super pathetic. But that's not even why it's unattractive. It just is. I mean, I have to say, I look at this person, I see ugly. What happened?

Fashion Smashin'

2009-09-11T08:29:00.003-05:00

Ok, I have to go in like 30 seconds, but this is just stupid. I hate when fashion is just whatever you feel like wearing to look kooky pants. Wait. I actually don't hate that. I love it. I do that all the time. So what do I hate about these glasses?

Oh right, they just look stupid. No more explanation needed.

UPDATE: In chatting with my little sister at NYU who has a model friend. She was at an event for fashion week (don't get me started on the irony) called Fashion's Night Out. The stores were all open late and fashion people/celebrities/Big bird showed up. Ok, not big bird. Anyway, her model friend was one of the models Vogue hired to go from store to store, so little sister went with her. The last place they went (forgot designers name) Rihanna was there and just dancing with the common folk! How down-to-earth. Then she had dinner with Leighton Meester (I don't know who that is either. Probably from Gossip Girls if I had to guess) and she was weather leather pants. Since when did "fashion week" begin to mean "wear whatever you want, it's funny if you look like an idiot"?

Crazy Babble

2009-09-10T09:18:00.004-05:00

Do you guys watch Intervention? There's one episode with "Cristy" [youtube link] who is a severe meth addict/alcoholic who is so far gone she gets really fucked up and starts thinking she's a math genius and does crazy meth math all over her room. I can't find any vids of that, but it's amazing. She runs down the streets naked and doesn't give a shit. In a lot of ways, it reminds me of Lindsay Lohan.

Every time someone criticizes her, she just blames it on them, claiming their jealous of her glamorous life in some way. Sound familiar? Well, when I found this little gem, Lindsay's twitter page from last night, I was just blown away. It's j

It's just out of a page of Cristy's crazy book. Seriously, it's amazing. It's getting all mad about shit I don't think the genius from Angels and Demon's could figure out. Basically Lindsay is fighting, over twitter, with Samantha Ronson. This is a girl who has just been announced as the head designer for a fashion line (Ungaro, I know, what is that?). She's so funny. I love when she plays grown-up, and then comes home all kooky and turns into a thirteen year-old. Do you ever get the feeling that there's nothing in her purse, she's just carrying it around to play a grown-up.

Does She Know Babies Can't Smoke

2009-09-10T09:12:00.002-05:00

My least favorite not-funny actress, Katherine Heigl is getting her adopted baby. I didn't mind her until I read (and obviously believed) all the horrors I hear about what a bitch she is. She is just always bitching at people, I don't really see her as the loving mother type. I don't see her paying attention to anything that's not her for a long time. Eh, I'm over this.

Oh NO!

2009-09-08T12:18:00.006-05:00

So if you didn't know, my favorite celebrity couple just got divorced, Katie Price (AKA Jordan) and Peter Andre. I will truly miss their trash outfits. I mean, just one, it's fun. But when you have two people that look ridiculous, it does something really special. At least we'll always have their music video and redition of A Whole New World [youtube link]. I keep listening to it, over and over again, crying into my deep fried mars bar. I've convinced myself it's sung straight to me, personally, by Jordan and Peter. I think if I play it backwards Peter Andre will say, "Don't worry Anat, I'll get frosted tips in my hair again, just for you".

Wait, didn't they like, just get married last year? In some ridiculous wedding bonanza that puts Mariah Carey's wedding fantasy to shame? But they seemed so in love. Who knew? Sigh. I guess you never can tell with these Hollywood types. Ok, One more picture and I'm done, I promise. It's just, there are so many memories, and I find it hard to pick out just a small few to keep.
Ok, ok, I lied last one. I just love matchy-matchy couples. How did they ever think to both wear all white. You know like, teenage girls in England are all like, "Awwwww, they're adoooorable". You know how they talk.

Perfect Example of A Show Meant to Run Only One Season

2009-09-08T12:07:00.003-05:00

Who can take her seriously when she literally breaks down in tears every time she talks about the plight of the whales? She stopped filming because one scene was supposed to have a bunch of birds fly out of a tree, and they used a leaf blower to get the birds moving. She apparently yelled,

"What are you doing? How would you like someone to blow that thing inside your house?"

Fun gal. *Over it*

OK, What Is True Blood?

2009-09-08T11:57:00.002-05:00

And why does Lindsay Lohan want to be on it so badly she'll pose like a teenager sexin' up her myspace page so her 35 year old cyber boyfriend will think she's mad fine. But like, seriously. Everything I can gather about true blood makes me think it's some sort of vampire reality TV show. Sort of a mix of MTV's True Life, with a vampire twist. That's pretty much all made up in my head. Nobody I know watches the show. So why does Lindsay want to be on it?

And seriously, enough vampire shit. Don't go back to pirates. Vikings are sexy, lets do something with that genre for a while.
P.S. This is what came up when I searched for "sexy vikings".

SJP Loudly Asserts, "I'm Revelant, Dammit!"

2009-09-07T21:43:00.002-05:00

Why are they even filming a new movie? The last one was horrible. I'm out of plays on the words sex-in-the-city. They've all been done. It's just time to call this a wrap. Go home.

New Moon

2009-09-07T21:35:00.002-05:00

I don't follow these movies because I tried to read the book and it was a little too soupy for me. But people wet their panties over this vampire shit these days, so I thought I'd give blogging about it a try. I already did one post where I asked about the sparkles, why vampires sparkle in this series. The answer I came up with is: because it's easier to write a movie where you can see the main character all the time.So there's that. This is Bella, and I believe Edward, although sometimes I want to write Edwardo. But then I remember that was a pizza chain in Chicago in the 90's, so it's gotta be Edward. And Bella's the best smelling human, but Edward's family doesn't eat humans. But he's tempted and it gets all sexy time. This I gather from overhearing people. And I think she does dangerous things because he comes to save her, and that's like, the only time she gets to see him. Oh yes, and this guy is Robert Pattinson. And the girl.... hm, it's vaguely a Stewart. Kristen Stewart. I haven't actually confirmed this is Rod Stewarts daughter, but until this very moment I realize I have believed that as fact. People just lovvve Robert Pattinson. Like, I was at a show, where at the end, you could come up and share your deepest secret into the microphone. And people were confessing they are afraid they won't be loved because they used to be a prostitute. And some chick gets up and says she wants her boyfriend to be Edward. This is actually true, grown people were doing serious shit, and this girl gets up and starts talking about vampires. Hm, actually, that's probably why I hate this series.

Blah Blah Blah Famous People

2009-09-07T21:30:00.002-05:00

So here's someone we don't talk about all that much. It's because he sucks, and I have to be honest, his show sucks too. I can't even remember the name of it. Anyway, everyone I know in every major city has boinked this guy, or had the opportunity to, but I had not gotten the memo that his boobies are trying to run away from each other so ferociously that the skin is beginning to tear.

Also, why didn't he just buy a new Panama hat, when his old one shrunk in the dryer?

Oh Ha Ha

2009-09-07T21:25:00.005-05:00

At some point in time, does a drug habit have the ability to consume your soul, yet give you the courage to laugh at yourself. The answer is yes.

Clever Lindsay. This round goes to you.

Hubby Hubby!

2009-09-01T18:47:00.004-05:00

Ben and Jerry's, what forward social thinkers you are! In honor of same-sex marriage starting today in Vermont, BJ temporarily changed their Chubby Hubby ice cream to Hubby Hubby! I like saying it, but I don't like eating it. I mean, maybe I would, but who would buy anything besides phish food?

“The legalization of marriage for gay and lesbian couples in Vermont is certainly a step in the right direction, and something worth celebrating with peace, love - and plenty of ice cream."

Don't rush to the store though, you can only buy the new cartons from BJ trucks, and only in Vermont.

Here's there statement:

In partnership with Freedom to Marry we are gathered here to celebrate Vermont and all the other great states where loving couples of all kinds are free to marry legally. We have ceremoniously dubbed our iconic flavor, Chubby Hubby to Hubby Hubby in support, and to raise awareness of the importance of marriage equality.

This Man Is A Mystery. Does He Have Any Thoughts?

2009-08-30T18:32:00.004-05:00

So, it's been a while since I blogged. Let me catch you up. This dude and his ex wife were on a show called Jon and Kate Plus 8, which showed the chaotic life you live when you have a set of twins and a set of sextuplets. I loved the show, especially the two slower kids, who always just played with their own feet in the back of the shot. Everyone hated Kate, because they thought she was a bitch, especially to Jon. They felt bad for Jon. Some people implied that the "fame" had gone to both of their heads, but I wouldn't hear any of that.

Now they're divorced, Jon's dating every meth head slut that passes by him, and he's literally becoming the Ed Hardy-wearing, crowned prince biggest douche bag in the whole world. He's truly very sad and pathetic. But if I know the popular media, ignoring him will NOT make him go away. Once again, I am left knowing that I could run the world better than the people who are doing it now.

This is his vegas pool-party birthday.

I cannot understand what is going through this man's head. How does he justify his behavior? can someone explain it to me?

Lindsay's Back!

2009-08-29T11:26:00.005-05:00

Yay! See, as soon as I start blogging again, Lindsay Lohan turns on the crazy! It's fate!

Also, I've been working all morning, and want to know the weirdest thing? My pinky is actually sore from pressing "shift" so much. Isn't that wierd? I'm going to cut down on my shift button for the rest of this post. i still have a lot of work to do today.

so lindsay is super-beans crazy these days. she's robbing herself. i know, it's weird. she gets robbed like 8 times a month. well, now we know why. she just robs herself. apparently there were like 2 million dollars in loaned jewelry she claims were stolen as well. yet, she says nothing valuable was stolen? she says she knows it was an inside job because only really personal stuff was stolen. what about those 2 million dollars worth of diamonds? they're planning on taking legal action. oh yeah, and do i have to mention that everyone claims the personal stuff she is talking about is, of course, a sex tape.

and there are these great photos that are apparently her surveilance footage that shows her, covered up in a scarf, walking into her house. its really stupid, but everyone things its proof that she broke into her own house. i tried to find them, but can't, and i got really distracted because she looks so horrible now. all the pictures on this post were taken this week or last. and look at her. i've said it before, but oh my god it couldn't be more true now. she looks like shit.

what happened?

DJ AM, Found Dead

2009-08-29T11:17:00.003-05:00

DJ Am is dead.

They found him in his NYC apartment. Drugs it seems. He used to have a drug problem (I hear it's very en vogue for DJs these days). People (twitter) think he was prescribed some anti-anxieties after the plane crash, and that caused him to relapse. Of course, now everyone's not just talking about how good of a DJ he was, but how he was revolutionary, legendary, all those things.

Wow, he's just been in a shit storm lately, hasn't he? He was very fat for a long long time, and then dated Nicole Richie, who put him on a diet called stomach stapling. Then he was in a plane crash with Travis Barker (don't worry, I don't know who it is either), which really shook him up. So much, actually, that he started dating his ex-girlfriend Mandy Moore again. But wait, isn't she engaged to someone now? I'm not going to look that up. Nobody cares. I think she may have dated Zach Braff back in '07 or something.

Maybe he's still with Nicole Richie then. No, I remember they broke up. But don't they have a baby together? It's an ugly one. I remember it looks just like the dad. No! That's right! Nicole Richie has a baby with Joel Madden. Maybe even two by now. Boy, two really ugly parents. What are you gonna do?

Anyway, DJ AM is dead.

Britney's A Hippocrate?

2009-08-27T15:09:00.006-05:00

Just kidding. You know she had nothing to do with this. It seems a woman was kicked out of Britney Spears' Madison Square Garden show on Tuesday for dancing too sexy. They kicked out the woman, a hair stylist, and her three friends. And wouldn't refund them! Apparently someone complained.

This is crap. I don't have to tell you the irony that Brit was actually singing her song "Get Naked" as this was going down. I don't have to tell you how she dances. Let me explain. Someone paid to watch Britney spears dry hump the air all night, but they wanted it limited to just Britney Spears. They got in their car, jammed out to some "If U Seek Amy" and just planned on watching Brit in ass-showing leotards. But said to themselves, "If one person in the audience thinks they're planning on emulating that, it's just gone too far. They've got another thing coming"

Do you remember when she was still mic-ed up, and yelled, "Mah Pussay's hangin' out"?

And this hairstylist was dancing so ridiculously slutty that she got kicked out. Unless her pussy was actually hanging out, I don't think there's an issue. Actually, Brit does that all the time! Is there anyone in the world who is so stupid that they think the "Britney Spears is wholesome" image of the 90's still exists? Have they not seen her Pussay lately?
Reeeeeal quick: who thinks Britney had anything to do with this?

Nobody. You know she's as nasty as they come. She couldn't give a fuck if two people are turkey basting in the front row. You know her bat shit brain has done stuff your mother would slap you for just thinking about.

2 mistakes, 1 week

2009-06-10T12:02:00.004-05:00

I like Heather Graham. All she had to do was be in one episode of Arrested Development, and that makes her fine by me. Kristin Cavallari from The Hills is another story. Idiot. She left The Hills for a while because she believed that she had a "career" that involved "acting." She came back quickly after realizing that her "talent" wasn't getting her enough attention.

Here they both are making terrible decisions about going out in public with some holes in their clothing.

Kristin is just dumb enough that she almost pulls this trash off, but Heather is looking kind of old and too awesome to be looking this hoochy-esque.

Defs Basheret

2009-06-10T11:03:00.004-05:00

A couple of years ago on my annual vacation to LA, we saw James Van Der Beek (or however you spell that - who cares?) walking to his mailbox at his home in the Hollywood Hills. That same evening we played MASH. And it was at that time that I learned that I was destined to marry James Van Der Whatever, have 22.2 children, and live in a shack or some crap. And it was this morning that during my usual course of celeb gossip scanning that I learned that James Van Der Blah has been married for six years, and is now divorcing. Apparently his soon to be ex-wife was on Party of Five? I loved that show. Annnnnyway, it's clearly now time for me to swoop in and make my MASH destiny a reality. Obviously. Also, I never watched Dawson's Creek, and I think he is ugly. But this is my destiny and I must face the facts. If MASH says it, and the divorce is in the works, it's now my time to shine? Who am I? Is this even English?

Do We Like?

2009-05-21T08:48:00.002-05:00

Brad Pitt in Cannes for the film festival. Um. I'm trying to be a little nicer, since my last 1,000 posts were ripping people apart. I hear that when Ann Curry interviewed him she was all hot and heavy. Apparently she couldn't keep her hands off. I ask you: is it possible she was trying to grab his ascot and choke his pretentious ass to death?

Just curious. I'm being nice. Nice, with a curious edge.

American Idol

2009-05-21T08:40:00.003-05:00

I'll admit it. I've never watched more than 30 seconds of American Idol in passing. And I didn't like it even then. But still. I come across this piece of junk. This guy obviously sucks. I don't care how he sings. He's obviously a clown killer on the the side. Look at his evil little grin. And, please, the skinny tie and rolled up glittery jacket?

Guys, ya'll must have crazy on the brain. Stop accepting every person that the media throws up on television. Come on. They're testing us.

DOES NOT COMPUTE

2009-05-19T15:42:00.002-05:00

Who is this bitch? She's ridiculous. First, she came out a few weeks ago claiming her whole family had swine flu and survived it before anyone else heard about it. Bitch, that was the real flu.

She's an attention whore, and I have no idea who she is. Am I wrong, or what she on Dancing With The Stars? I've never watched that show.

Well, now, this unbelievable woman has informed the world about her mangled face. Apparently what us underneath all that plastic surgery is something human-like. Yech. She said she got fake titties plumped up in those lips.

Yes. That's right. She got real body-shelf grade silicon injected into her mouth.

Please know that yours truly has just checked to see if those two areas have similar firmness. Results are inconclusive, but I don't think so. All I know is that what she has going on is gross. It's gross to think of. It's gross to look at. I don't have a reason why, but it's just wrong, and I know it.

Ok, What's Going On?

2009-05-19T15:31:00.003-05:00

All I know is that for like 2 years now everyone's been talking about Twilight. Even my grown-up friends that work in banks and stuff. And they love it. They think this guy up here is so hot and just amazing. I'm not even going to look up his name. I don't care.

But I do wonder one thing. People keep talking about "sparkly" vampires. Or glitery, or something. Apparently this has something to do with the movie. Or the book. Or both. What does it mean? Is there any way I can find out without wasting more than 3 seconds? Can any of you tell me? Amy, do you watch this stuff?

What do we think?

2009-05-19T15:24:00.002-05:00

Listen, just like you I was all about No Doubt back in 6th grade. Hell, I'm still all about No Doubt. In the way that I think I still like that music but haven't really listened to it in 8 years. But still. This is about Gwen Stefanie, and her son, Kingston. I like that she dresses them up like little punk dudes, because it shows how well she can accessorize her children to match her outfit. No, honestly, usually I think it's great she's a "cool mom" and all. Her kids are cute, and I like that little flippy look they got going on.

But this is too much. It is the first step that shows this kid is going to grow up horribly over-privileged. You know, in that way where they've had too much in life, and so nothing will ever make them happy? In that way where their mother told them they weren't good enough, by dying their hair before they lost their baby curls. I can literally picture this kid crying in a shrink's office about how mommy didn't want to hug him when his shoes didn't match his outfit.

That, or worse. He may grow up into one of those kids that is so "into fashion" because he was brought up with it. He thinks fashion's an art. And uses his clothes to "make a statement".

I don't know if you know this, but when I want to show that something is especially annoying and condescending, I put it in quotes.

Madonna, Stop

2009-05-05T13:18:00.002-05:00

Just stop. It's not funny, cute, sexy. It's nothing. It's yucko. You used to be cute. You used to be glam. You used to be sexy. You used to have these little legs and tits and nice skin and a pretty face. People get old. It's cool. Take it with stride. This is pathetic. It's really sad. It's a grandma in a sad, sad prom dress. You're getting nothing from this. Take the high road. Chin up, old girl. Go down without a fight. Because you're losing. Take whatever dignity you have left, sweep it into your pinkie nail and snort every last particle, because you need what's left. Stop doing this. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop.

Ohhhh Gosh!

2009-05-01T14:37:00.003-05:00

This is the most recent picture I have of Lindsay Lohan. She is celebrating the launch of a tanning mist product called Sevin Nyne. Apparently that means something to her. You know what means something to me? That I will not be buying her fart spray even if it comes with free money attached. I'm scared it's going to make me look like the Double Double Toil and Trouble witches from Macbeth (seriously, what was that part about anyway? I am so not down with symbolism).

So she broke up with Samantha Ronson and now she's just fkying her saggy titties all around, practically screaming for someone to notice her. And her poor, poor sister. She will never have a chance at reality. She thinks this is all normal. She's probably dreaming of the day that she's a big star and gets her own spray tan line and hair extensions. I look at both their bodies, and I imagine that hugging them must be like hugging a dying elderly stranger. You know you have to, but you don't want to. So you just hold your breath and hold back that squeamish feeling you get when you can feel skin all sliding around like that. And you bring your mind to your happy place as the smell of rotting success and decayed youth overcomes you. Try to pull back, but their constant need for attention and approval is draining your energy, sucking the life out of you. You fear that the giant gap in their heart where most people's self-esteem sits is pulling you in like a magnet. Although you are almost unable to resist such a strong desire for attention, any kind, good or bad, this oily film of fake tan and despiration are sinking into your clothes and you repel in horror.

Ooh, maybe I'm a poet. Who knew?

Anyway, welcome back Linds. Good luck on your new "drama free life". No seriously, I think I heard someone call her a "triple threat" the other day. Once again Lilo, prove it.

Mischa Barton, If It Weren't For Ugly Clothes, Would You Exist At All?

2009-04-23T12:41:00.003-05:00

I know it's been a while, but Amy is undercover in St. Lucia, posing as a staff at Amy Winehouse's new villa, to get the inside scoop. Meanwhile, I have been busy trying to hack into Samantha Ronson's Twitter account to get the juicy details on Lindsay Lohan's break up. Meanwhile, let's all discuss how damn ugly this hat is.

Lesson: How to attend a fashion show

2009-02-17T17:47:00.003-05:00

Please follow these rules. Any violators will be shunned from the industry. And also, we will think you're stupid.
1. Always act like you have only two states: bored and "critical eye". Always act like both emotions are so strong they are on the brink of flowing out of your asshole. They are competing inside of you.

2. Cross your legs. I know it's hard to remember what that is, so just do the opposite of what you do when you are all trashed at a club.

3. Turn your head somewhat sideways. Scientists aren't sure if this is to hear better with, or because you look like you're thinking. Either way it makes you look good in these situations.

4. Keep your mouth closed. If your mouth is even slightly amiss, people will know you don't belong.

2009-02-17T10:47:00.004-05:00

First I'd like to rant about stars that claim that "stress and travel" are making them skinny. Damn, Oprah's got stress and travel and she's a fat bitch. And do NOT get me started on hypothyroidism. Just because you're fat doesn't mean you get to claim hypothyroidism. But anyway, here's LiLo, joining the ranks of starlets who cannot get a good meal because they're lost in...NYC. Oh, and stressedEveryone's talking about how Lindsay Lohan is too skinny. And I'm like, whatever. There's no way you're randomly accidentally skinny, but you have magically lost none of your boobs. Something is amiss. Also, I'm not concerned because I've seen her function on way less body fat that than. Her freckles can keep her warm for all I care. What I really do like about the picture above is that she thinks she's all fierce and hot. And trying to act all, "I don't give a shit" but at the same time screaming "Please rescue me from the life of hell I've created for myself". And still...

She has a price tag on her dress. Real fierce Linds.

I'm a believer!

2009-02-08T01:01:00.004-05:00

Everyone has been saying that Selma Hayek has the biggest natural breasts in the the world, and I was like, yeah, yeah they're pretty big but she's just pushing them this way and that. Obviously there was no exaggeration there. I mean, this is ridiculous. She should start adopting orphaned animals to suckle.

Holy shit. I obviously got so freaked out by the picture that I posted without reading the rest of the article. Holy shit. I actually made up the part about suckling animals, but I'm not too far from the truth. Selma Hayek actually is loaning out her tits. This is for real. Selma Hayek, I have just found out, was in Sierra Leone with UNICEF and met a woman with no milk for her baby. Selma just whipped out one of her udders and let that baby go to town. Free milk for all! Now that's giving. I mean, fuck. If fabric could cry, those straps would be bawling.

MIA

2009-02-06T02:53:00.001-05:00

I'm really tired, but I love MIA and just wanted to say that she's up for record of the year and best rap song. Also, she's pregnant and the grammys is her due date. She's going anway because she thinks she can make it. Rock on!